Supernatural Stupid
by leboisduloup
Summary: This is by far the worst story I've ever written, posted for your vomiting pleasure! The plot makes no sense! The character combinations make less sense! Spoilers galore, and idiocy in scary abundance. Read for a rather queasy time (and yet, though i
1. the idiocy begins

She came into the office. Her partner was already there. He was sitting on the floor cross-legged. His eyes were closed and he had a blank look on his face. She stood and stared at him. Sometimes she could understand why they called him Fox "Spooky" Mulder.  
She finally tapped him on his shoulder to wake him up out of his trance. He opened his eyes and smiled. She rolled her eyes and sat in a chair nearby. After a wait, she broke the silence.  
"Why are you so happy all of a sudden?"  
In return, he laughed and got to his feet. He sat down at his desk and pulled open a drawer. Out came his ever-present bag of sunflower seeds. She sighed and asked him again.  
"Why are you so happy all of a sudden? And what were you doing when I came in?"  
"I was meditating, Scully. And I'm happy because I solved one of life's big questions."  
"And what would that be? Why Ginger packed all her clothes for a three-hour tour?"  
"Nope. Why you aren't allowed to take this off your bed." He held up an evidence bag, containing the tag obviously torn of a mattress.  
"And why would that be?" she asked, trying to keep from laughing at him. Sometimes he thought of the stupidest things.  
"Isn't it obvious? They use them to spy on us!"  
She couldn't help laughing. He looked hurt. She got control of herself, took one look at him and burst out laughing again. After a few moments, she stopped for good.  
"How did you figure that out?" She asked sarcastically.  
"Go ahead. Laugh. But don't come running to me when they abduct you."  
"A little too late for that."  
"Well I mean when they abduct you again."  
"Great sounding future you give me."  
"Then rip the tag off, like I did."  
"If it makes you happy, I'll do it when I get home."  
"Thank you." 


	2. The stupid continues

Karzelltath scratched one of his heads. He was puzzled as to why the monitoring device in Number 422360 had failed. Not just any number 422360, but the 422360 at Hegal place in Alexandria, Virginia! That was the apartment of the biggest danger an extraterrestrial race (such as Karzelltath's) could face. He was a paranoid fanatic. Even worse, he was a paranoid fanatic with power. A government employee, no less! Karzelltath's fifteenth head sighed. He was getting behind schedule. He would have to leave 422360 alone for now. Karzelltath could at least wait until his free day. He turned all of his heads to the large board. This was the monitor for normal people. It was called the big board, but (unfortunately for Karzelltath) the fanatic board, in which he had observed the strange matter of 422360, was getting bigger by the darsegth. He hated this job!  
  
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Mulder woke up at exactly 2:28 a.m. He had taken to noting the exact time of everything lately. Just in case. They knew he knew now. They might come for him any time. 2:29 now. He sat and tried to figure out why he had woken up. Suddenly there was a flash of light. Mulder gasped. They were here! He didn't try to resist. This was his dream, after all. He calmly waited to meet his destiny.  
  
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Mulder faced the creature. It was not what he had imagined. He had always thought of little gray men. Not big, slimy things with multiple heads, and tentacles, that waddled around on tiny legs. He had thought of mysterious, wise beings, that were graceful. Not things with whiny voices that had promptly introduced himself as a secretary. A secretary? Mulder had never thought that they would have desk-jobs!  
Karzelltath was confused as well. When this thing (was it number 422360? Karzelltath hadn't thought the paranoid creature would be that odd) had come into his office, it had begun hailing him! It had called him Master of the Universe, and Great One, and other such nonsense. Karzelltath had told him his job, and the human had looked, well, disappointed! What strange creatures these humans were! It had not accepted his offer of thling'tlashta, hadn't asked him how his montishatu was doing, hadn't even asked for tlakthashed! Instead, when he had made the offer, it had asked for something called so-da. It had asked to go to the bath-room. Karzelltath didn't understand what this meant! Was it some evil plot to confuse him? A test made by his boss? This odd thing was giving him an ache- in all of his heads! 


	3. Stupid in Jeopardy

Scully woke up. It was exactly 2:30 a.m. She tried to figure out what had roused her. She stood up. With a yawn, she walked into her kitchen. She opened the drawer and removed a bag of sunflower seeds that she had stolen from Mulder's desk. Of course, she could have bought her own, but why bother when there was a simple-to-reach store of them? She doubted that Mulder had noticed the missing bag. Besides, with what the FBI paid them, she needed all the freebies she could get.  
She sat down on the couch and flipped on the TV. She channel surfed. She found an interesting show on the Science Fiction Channel. It was about a pair of CIA agents who were trying to disprove the existence of extraterrestrials. The woman, agent Jill Andrews, was a believer, who kept trying to show her partner proof. Her partner, Daniel Dokonee, was a skeptical former dentist who tried to convince her that she was schizophrenic. Jill constantly told him "The truth is out in space, not in some candy-gulping little brat's mouth, you money-hungry pig."  
At the end of the show, Scully decided to go back to bed. She took her bag of seeds with her. As she sat in bed, eating the stolen seeds, she got tired and fell asleep again. She had wonderful dreams about hanging out with Daniel and Jill, and chasing around little green men that looked remarkably like Mulder.  
  
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Mulder, however, was less pleased. He had come aboard the ship hoping to learn the meaning of life and how to make it better for the world. Instead, he had been questioned thoroughly by Karzelltath about why the monitoring device in his apartment had gone out. Mulder hadn't understood about this fully until he remembered about the tag on the bed. He didn't mention this to Karzelltath. He instead demanded to see the alien leader. He didn't believe Karzelltath's claims that he wasn't the leader. So far, Karzelltath had refused to let him see the leader, but Mulder thought soon the creature would break down and admit to being the almighty master of the universe. He had done his best to get on Karzelltath's nerves. Now, only time would tell what would happen. Mulder had been waiting for this for a very long time.  
  
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Karzelltath had to make a decision. Either he would let this thing go home, use it for experiments, kill it, or give it its wish and let it see the Master. He didn't want to use it for experiments because it was so annoying. He didn't particularly want to kill it, because it might come back and haunt him. If he let it go home, it might cause more trouble. So he decided. He would let it see the Master. Karzelltath stood up on his short, thin legs. He bade the creature follow him, and they walked towards the door to the Master's office. Silently, Karzelltath hoped that the Master would receive a bit better treatment than he had, or he would probably be fired. They approached the hall, Karzelltath with a feeling of impending doom, Mulder with a growing sense of awe.  
  
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The one called Master was sitting in his office. He turned his attention towards the door. He saw it open, and in they stepped. The first was his secretary, Karzelltath. After him came a human. He looked familiar. Who was it? The Master wasn't sure. Then he realized. He quickly turned his chair around so as not to be seen. He knew he would be recognized by Mulder. This was a sticky situation. What could he do?  
  
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It was too late. Mulder came in. He gasped when he saw the Master. He pointed a finger at him and spoke. "It's you!" he said.  
And there, staring at him, sat the alien leader. The vilest creature in the universe. The reason for all abductions. The source of cattle mutilations. The head of the evil forces. A creature that he had always dreamed of as being a ten foot tall, horned, fire breathing, slimy thing.  
  
It was Alex Trebek. 


	4. WHY? Just Why?

The Leader stepped off his platform. He walked up to Mulder and laughed a wicked laugh. Mulder tried to punch him but found he could not move. He glared at the Leader. The Leader just laughed again.  
"Yes, Mulder, it's me."  
"How dare you!"  
"How dare I what?"  
"Do this to America! They love you and your show, you know."  
"I don't care; I have more power than you could ever dream of."  
"Ha! Power. What good is power without friends?"  
"A whole lot, Spooky!"  
"Well, I guess so…"  
"You see what I mean? You're a wimp."  
"But I'm a wimp with attitude!"  
"What you are is an idiot."  
"Oh yeah? Well you're a poopy head! Poopy head!"  
"What did you just call me, Fox in Socks?"  
"Well, Alex, I'll take Poopy-heads for $1,000"  
"Looks like final jeopardy for you, Mulder!"  
"Au contraire, I think it's the DAILY DOUBLE!"  
Then Alex got mad. He walked back to his desk, opened a drawer, and pulled something out. Mulder flinched. Oh no! He was getting a gun! It was all over. Mulder knew he was going to die.   
Mulder stood frozen as his life ran by him. He now understood why people had told him to get a life. He waited for Alex to pull out the gun and shoot him. He watched the hand enter the drawer and rummage around a bit. Alex finally found what he wanted. He turned to face Mulder. In his hand were two pieces of machinery. Two guns? Then Mulder realized what they were.  
"NOOOOO!!!!!!"  
"That's right! We're playing Jeopardy!"  
"Let me guess: winner lives, loser dies, right?"  
"Yup."  
"Oh. Great."  
  
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Fifteen minutes later, they were ready to play. Mulder and Alex faced each other, buzzers in hand. Karzelltath was going to ask the questions. There was a big screen with the categories listed. Mulder gritted his teeth. Alex's stomach twisted. Who would win this match? The world's fate depended on it. 


	5. Dear gods, what is wrong with me?

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Scully woke up suddenly. She tried to figure out why she had woken up. She then realized that the seeds had fallen out. One was right underneath her. The seed was poking her in the back. That was why she had woken up. She stood up, brushed all the seeds off the bed, and went back to sleep.  
  
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The contestants sweated. The score was tied. 5,000,000 points each. They stared, as if their will would kill the other. They gritted their teeth. Mulder wished he hadn't stayed up eating sunflower seeds. His throat was so dry. He had eaten the seeds to protect them- lately bags had been disappearing from his desk. He suspected aliens. Had Alex stolen them? The thought made him angry. He waited for Alex to choose the category. Alex chose. The question appeared on the board. He saw that it was a Daily Double. A video daily double. The question flashed on the big screen.  
Which of these objects is red?  
Mulder almost cried. Alex knew he was red-green colorblind! He knew he would never be able to pick it out.   
Alex was enjoying this. He watched Mulder squirm. Mulder knew he would be beaten now. But it was only fair to let him guess. Besides, the agent's torture would entertain him.  
  
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Karzelltath disapproved. It was unfair. The master shouldn't abuse his power like this!  
He waddled to the transporter room. He knew he must set the device carefully. He was going to bring Mulder's partner up here to help. He set the dial to her number, and pushed the button to bring her up. He just hoped he would be in time!  
  
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Scully didn't wake up; she had had enough annoyances wake her and she wanted to sleep. That's why she was surprised when Karzelltath woke her up.  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!"  
"CALM DOWN!" shouted Karzelltath.  
"WHERE AM I? WHO ARE YOU? WHY AM I HERE? WHY WON'T YOU ANSWER ME?" With that she pulled out a gun and aimed it at one of Karzelltath's heads.  
"Well I'll answer you if you give me a chance!!! I am the secretary of His Majesty, the Great, Majestic, Wonderful One."  
"And that means?"  
"The Master of the Universe, The Great, Beautiful, Worshipful, Amazing One, the Kind, Merciful, Perfect-"  
"I get the point! And exactly who is this Great, Beautiful, Worshipful, Amazing, Majestic, Wonderful, Kind, Merciful, Perfect One?"  
"Alex Trebek."  
"Oh. All right then." she said. She stood up, walked a few steps, and fainted. 


	6. It's ALMOST OVER, I promise!

Mulder was sweating. He stared at the screen, where there were pictures of four chairs. One was red. But which was it???  
Suddenly, in ran Scully. She saw the screen.   
"Mulder, it's a trick! There is no red object! They're all green!"  
With that, Mulder turned towards Alex. He grabbed a nearby weapon, and figured out how to work it. He set it to stun and shot Alex.  
"Oh my kartzblethathlg! What have you done to The Great, Beautiful, Worshipful, Amazing, Majestic, Wonderful, Kind, Merciful, Perfect One?"  
"Who?" said Mulder and Scully in unison.  
Karzelltath rolled all of his eyes. He spoke in an annoyed tone  
"Alex Trebek." he said.  
"Oh not much. Don't worry, he'll get better!" said Mulder.  
"Good! We can't continue with the invasion-"  
"INVASION?!?" asked the startled agents.  
"Yes, the invasion of Earth. We… uh-oh, I don't think I was supposed to tell you about that! Um, you can forget that, right?"  
"No way! We're not going to just stand by while you invade our planet! We need to stop you!" said Scully.  
"It wasn't my idea! Leave me alone and I'll help you!"  
A sudden voice came from the other side of the throne room. Mulder and Scully recognized it almost instantly.  
"Not so fast!"  
"What are you doing here? How did you know we needed help? How did you get here?" asked Scully.  
"Did you know about the plot before? Does this have anything to do with the monkey babies of Eddie Van Blundht? Was I right after all? Are you in on the conspiracy? Do you know if there is a bathroom around here? I really gotta go!" asked Mulder.  
The newcomer didn't answer. Instead, he pulled out a gun and shot at some of Karzelltath's heads. Then he reloaded and shot some more of them. He did this several times. When he was done, Karzelltath had only twenty heads left. Karzelltath teetered at this loss, and fainted.  
"So, answer our questions please!" said Scully.  
"Yeah!" said Mulder "What are you doing here? How did you know we needed help? How did you get here? Did you know about the plot before? Does this have anything to do with the monkey babies of Eddie Van Blundht? Was I right after all? Are you in on the conspiracy? And most importantly, do you know if there is a bathroom around here? I really, really have to go!"  
"Mulder- do the world a favor- SHUT UP!!" said an irritated Scully.   
"But I DO have to go! When nature calls, you can't just take a message!"  
"Down the hall and to the right. Third door on the left, middle stall is for humans." said their rescuer.   
"So why are you here, Skinner?"  
"We've known about the invasion for some time. Our plan was to annoy Alex Trebek until he went crazy. In that case, the invasion would have to be stopped. We have been monitoring him. His stress is getting very high. We were hoping he would go crazy before Friday, but it wasn't going so well. He seems to get harder to annoy every day! And our tactics were amazingly annoying- not only did we annoy ourselves, we annoyed every man, woman and child that was ever exposed to our plans. It was amazingly-"  
"Annoying?" said Scully helpfully  
"Oh yeah. We almost went crazy before him!"  
"So how were you monitoring him? Isn't this a spaceship? How could you see him?"  
"We put teeny, tiny cameras in the tag on the mattress that you can't remove."  
"Told you so!" said Mulder, who had just returned.  
"So what were these amazingly annoying tactics?" asked Scully, ignoring him.  
"Don't you see? CELEBRITY JEOPARDY! We paid celebrities to go on the show and answer as stupidly as they could. I think they did a good bad job!"  
"I agree!" said Scully.  
"So how did you get up here?" asked Mulder.  
" I'll answer that!" came another mysterious voice, also recognized immediately by the agents.  
"Wow! Is everyone we know going to show up?" asked Scully.  
"No, just us." said Krycek.   
"Wrong again!" came a chorus of voices.  
"Oh no! The EVES!" said Mulder.  
"GGGRRRRRAAAAA!" said something else.  
All of them turned. It was the Jersey Devil, who was followed closely by Flukeman, several Grays, Duane Barry, the alien bounty hunter, and Max Fenig.  
"Max! Thank goodness, someone we don't hate! Except you, of course, Assistant Director." said Mulder.  
This, it seemed, was not to be. Mulder and Scully saw the black film pass over his eyes. He was infected with the oil!  
From the other door entered more of Mulder and Scully's old acquaintances. B.J. Morrow, Eugene Tooms, Eddie Van Blundht, the Conundrum, Robert Modell, Jose Chung, Eladio and Soledad Buentes, Leonard Betts, the Great Mutato, Gibson Praise…  
"BAMBI!" shouted Mulder.  
Scully kicked him in the shins.  
"SHERIFF HARWELL!" she said suddenly, even happier than Mulder had been.  
Mulder tried to kick her in the shins, but she grabbed his ankle and flipped him onto the ground.  
"Hold on, what's happening here?" asked Skinner.  
"We're gonna dance the night away!" shouted everyone but Krycek, Mulder and Scully.  
With that, music started playing. They all formed a huge conga line. Skinner, Krycek, Mulder and Scully shrugged and joined in.   
  
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Chris Carter woke up. He blinked several times. What an odd dream!  
"Okay… no more Taco Bell at three a.m.!!"  
  
THE END  
(thank God!) 


End file.
